Do you ever experience that moment when the embarrassment of every awkward thing you’ve ever done inexplicably washes over you? Ever suddenly feel the weight of any and all impure motives that goaded you along in the past, during a time when you were barreling towards something that you should never have set your precious sight on in the first place? Have you ever nearly fainted from the vivid, vertigo-like memory of a repeated misstep?
All the above hit me today, as happens from time to time. Am I alone in this? From out of no where comes this wave of… deep shame. This pang of guilt. And somehow, incredibly, this heavy handed portion of downright adolescent uneasiness. Every indiscretion and discomfort brought to focus under the ruthless magnifier that is hindsight.
But THEN, I glamorously command the Devil and my Ego to both GTFO, and I get on with my day, y’all. <— Is what I would say were I perfect, awesome, or even glamourous for that matter.
The truth is, it’s hard to fight these thoughts when they have you in their crosshairs. It’s hard to escape from yourself. And sometimes your Self can be a total jerk! As simple as they are, I clung to the above words today. I held on tight to them during that brief but intense moment when every mistake I’ve ever made suddenly wanted to take me down hard and leave me there bleeding.
“Don’t Stumble Over Something Behind You, Haley.”
Yes. They’re simple. But said out loud, sitting at my desk today, these words held a lot of power. So I’m not down, thank you very much Evil Forces of Doom and Douchiness. I may not be perfect, and despite my efforts, I may not be happy every second of the day. But I am whole and joyful, and there’s nothing you can do about it. So if you could, pretty please stop trying. Thanks.